So, here we go.
Who am I? I'm a 34 year old wife of one amazing guy and mother of 3. My kids are 5, 3, and 1. My husband works swing shifts right now, so our schedules are pretty crazy. I love Jesus, and I struggle with mental illness. That doesn't make me less of a christian or have less faith than any other christian. It does make it hard some days to see the joy. It does make it hard some days to feel like God cares, or anybody cares. It makes me hold fast to what I KNOW is true about God even when it doesn't FEEL true.
I'm calling this "But A Dim Reflection." That's from 1 Corinthians 13:12, "Now we see but a dim reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I tend to go back here when things get difficult. I need the reminder that I do not see God fully nor do I see his plans fully. I do not have the whole picture, but God does. I am FULLY KNOWN by him, and one day, he will reveal himself and his glorious plans and truth fully. Until then, I just have to trust that the pieces of the reflection that I do see are enough.
Mental illness is just that: illness. There's usually a chemical component and a behavioral/thought process component. That's how it is for me. If my medications are off (or I forget to take them), I'm off. If I don't take the time to check my thoughts and take them captive, I can send myself into a several day long spiral.
I have clinical anxiety and depression. I have had it for decades. It has gotten harder since having kids, and, after each child, I dealt with postpartum depression and anxiety spikes that sent me reeling. After #3, the spike never calmed down, so here I am putting one foot in front of the other until I can get my bearings and re-learn how to function here, with my "new" brain.
My kids are awesome. They are resilient and quick to forgive. I apologize to them a lot. I can go into a rage quickly if I'm having a bad mental health day. I find myself often telling them I'm sorry and that I'm going to see the doctor (I call the medication management people and the therapy people doctors to make it simpler for the kids) so Mommy can get better and learn how to not get mad over silly things. They usually smile - though sometimes through tear stained cheeks - and say, "It's OK, Mommy! You can get better!" Oh it breaks my heart that they have to see this side of me. It's real and raw and not always pretty. I think it's really good for them to know that we all struggle, but Jesus is big enough, and we can love well enough through the struggles, but I also wish they didn't have to learn about that this way.
My husband is super man. He holds together his stressful job, loves on our kiddos, does all kinds of crazy work around our house, AND loves me well - even on bad days. Even when I am not kind or making great sense, he is genuine and gentle.
So, I'll be tracking my journey through meeting with therapists and psychiatrists. I thought it might be helpful for some to have a window into the thought processes of a person with clinical anxiety and depression. It's confusing for those who are experiencing or have experienced it, but it seems to make absolutely no sense to someone who has never been in the midst of it. Hopefully, I can shed some light there.
So, hold onto your hats, friends. Here we go!
Who am I? I'm a 34 year old wife of one amazing guy and mother of 3. My kids are 5, 3, and 1. My husband works swing shifts right now, so our schedules are pretty crazy. I love Jesus, and I struggle with mental illness. That doesn't make me less of a christian or have less faith than any other christian. It does make it hard some days to see the joy. It does make it hard some days to feel like God cares, or anybody cares. It makes me hold fast to what I KNOW is true about God even when it doesn't FEEL true.
I'm calling this "But A Dim Reflection." That's from 1 Corinthians 13:12, "Now we see but a dim reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I tend to go back here when things get difficult. I need the reminder that I do not see God fully nor do I see his plans fully. I do not have the whole picture, but God does. I am FULLY KNOWN by him, and one day, he will reveal himself and his glorious plans and truth fully. Until then, I just have to trust that the pieces of the reflection that I do see are enough.
Mental illness is just that: illness. There's usually a chemical component and a behavioral/thought process component. That's how it is for me. If my medications are off (or I forget to take them), I'm off. If I don't take the time to check my thoughts and take them captive, I can send myself into a several day long spiral.
I have clinical anxiety and depression. I have had it for decades. It has gotten harder since having kids, and, after each child, I dealt with postpartum depression and anxiety spikes that sent me reeling. After #3, the spike never calmed down, so here I am putting one foot in front of the other until I can get my bearings and re-learn how to function here, with my "new" brain.
My kids are awesome. They are resilient and quick to forgive. I apologize to them a lot. I can go into a rage quickly if I'm having a bad mental health day. I find myself often telling them I'm sorry and that I'm going to see the doctor (I call the medication management people and the therapy people doctors to make it simpler for the kids) so Mommy can get better and learn how to not get mad over silly things. They usually smile - though sometimes through tear stained cheeks - and say, "It's OK, Mommy! You can get better!" Oh it breaks my heart that they have to see this side of me. It's real and raw and not always pretty. I think it's really good for them to know that we all struggle, but Jesus is big enough, and we can love well enough through the struggles, but I also wish they didn't have to learn about that this way.
My husband is super man. He holds together his stressful job, loves on our kiddos, does all kinds of crazy work around our house, AND loves me well - even on bad days. Even when I am not kind or making great sense, he is genuine and gentle.
So, I'll be tracking my journey through meeting with therapists and psychiatrists. I thought it might be helpful for some to have a window into the thought processes of a person with clinical anxiety and depression. It's confusing for those who are experiencing or have experienced it, but it seems to make absolutely no sense to someone who has never been in the midst of it. Hopefully, I can shed some light there.
So, hold onto your hats, friends. Here we go!
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